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  1. Don’t lose your head to gain a minute, you need your head, your brains are in it.

  2. Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me.

  3. What goes up must come down, but there’s no parallel law of anti-gravity that says what comes down must go up.

  4. If I tell a lie, it’s only because I’m sincerely convinced of telling the truth.

  5. S. L. U. G. is Slowing Upward Growth, or slowing the rate of increase in government spending or, de-increasing, going to a 5% increase instead of a 10% increase.

  6. Life is what happens to you while your making other plans.

  7. The first man to raise his voice has lost the argument.

  8. If you love the post office, you will love government automobile Insurance plans.

  9. The only stupid question is the one that isn’t asked.

  10. STONEWALLING is killing a chicken to scare a monkey.

  11. It’s fatal to be right when the rest of the world is wrong.

  12. One shouldn't try to sell roses in a fish market.

  13. When a dog barks at the moon, it has no effect on the moon.

  14. The only constant thing in life is change.

  15. Having an argument = Bumping gully's.

  16. In the cold of winter beneath the snow lies the seed that in the spring becomes the rose.

  17. God created all men and the Winchester made them all equal.

  18. Canada & USA border is at 54.40 degrees Latitude.

  19. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

  20. The Eiffel Tower is 921 feet tall.

  21. Women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they won’t change.

  22. The shortest speech in the world is! "If it is to be, its up to me."

  23. It’s not how many square miles that make the country great; it’s how many square people who live in it.

  24. Do Observe, Understand, Imagine and Create.

  25. A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.

  26. A good dealer won’t try to sell you a car; he will help you buy one.

  27. Victor Hugo, born 26 February 1802 and died 22 May 1885, wrote Les Miserable  in 1862.

  28. The difference between a snapshot and a picture is where you take it "from".

  29. Did you ever hear about the world's greatest secret agent?

  30. Folk music is about the land,  country music is about the people.

  31. UFOs a negative hypothesis, in that nobody can prove that they don’t exist.

  32. Roy Rogers’ real name was Leonard Sly and Dale Evens was Francine Smith.

  33. If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have them.

  34. The joy of games, nothing ever happens the way its suppose to.

  35. How do you tell a happy motorcycle rider? Count the bugs on his teeth.

  36. Selling shares short: 1. Borrow shares from your broker. 2. Sell at today’s price. 3. When they drop, pay your broker and keep the difference.

  37. No mater where you go. There you are!

  38. When interest rates are low stocks will grow, when interest rates are high stocks will die.

  39. 120 steps in 30 minutes will carry an army 3 miles in one hour.

  40. If you keep 2/3 of your wealth in land you are not as exposed to economic change.

  41. October 24, 1929 the stock market collapses.

  42. February 7, 1986 truffles cost $200.00 an ounce.

  43. The one right that supersedes all others is the right to be left alone.

  44. Skip politics and go strait into corruption.

  45. What did the worm say to the caterpillar? Where did you get the fur coat slut?

  46. Do you like fish? I don’t eat anything that eats worms.

  47. Romer calculated the speed of light by measuring the eclipses of the moons of Jupiter at different  distances in our orbit around the sun.

  48. Buying land is like dancing with a gorilla, you're done when he’s done.

  49. Usually government statistical figures are self-serving, inflated or deflated.

  50. You don’t reform a Frankenstein you destroy it. (Bishop Tutu).

  51. If you don’t stand up for what you believe in, then you deserve what you get.

  52. In small claims court you have to prove negligence, cause and damages.

  53. A big game hunter doesn't allow himself to be diverted by rabbit tracks.

  54. Everybody has to kill his or her own snakes.

  55. It's hard to make an omelette if you don’t break some eggs.

  56. With one foot on a block of ice and the other in boiling water, the average is that you feel wonderful.

  57. "Herman come down from that tree!"  " No.!" "If you fall down and break both your legs, don’t come   running to me".

  58. The best forecasting tool in business is hindsight.

  59. Eat your eggs before I break your legs.

  60. "Do you have any children?" "No". "What do you do for aggravation?"

  61. If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed will have to go to the mountain.

  62. Boeing 747 SR (special), for short halls only, Japanese with a capacity of 550 passengers.

  63. When two people are in love, there’s only one way to put a stop to it, get married.

  64. The undertaker said, "You may not like flowers at first but eventually they will grow on you".

  65. "I can’t remember a thing doctor". How long have you had this problem? "What problem".

  66. Remember the golden rule! He whom has the gold makes the rule.

  67. Fashion is the thing that is soon out of fashion. Elegance is the thing that is timeless.

  68. I had a dog that could play poker; but he was stupid because every time he had a good hand he’d wag  his tail.

  69. The heart doesn't beet for itself but for the whole body.

  70. A journey of a thousands miles begins with a single step, so make sure your heading in the right   direction. (Confucius).

  71. Long John Silvers’ mother said. "Don’t come in till you wipe your foot".

  72. I saw a man in the gutter and I said, "Are you sic, can I help you?" He said no, I found a parking   space and I sent my wife out to bye a car.

  73. I’m not independently wealthy but I would be if I had the money.

  74. When the Newfie terrorist was told to blow up a bus, he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

  75. Being important is unimportant.

  76. Living next to the US is like sleeping with an elephant.

  77. 116 Loaves of bread = 1 batch.

  78. "PR"  Planning Reactions, Press Relations, Peoples Recall, Personnel Relations.

  79. Yesterday I shot an elephant in my pyjamas, how he got in my pyjamas I’ll. never know.

  80. I’m not prejudice, I hate everybody.

  81. Genius is one- percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. (Thomas Edison).

  82. I wanted to plead insanity, but the judge said that’s insane.

  83. "Mummy, do I have to have a clown at my birthday party?" Well son your father lives here too you  know.

  84. Common sense is not very common.

  85. You should see the car I stole yesterday, real classy, it's got a burglar alarm and everything.

  86. "My husband think he’s a chicken", Why don’t you take him to see a psychiatrist. "I would but I can   use the eggs.

  87. "My husband thinks he’s a Great Dane". " How long has this been going on?" "Ever since he was a  puppy".

  88. On December 24th I saw a man wearing hockey kneepads, shoulder pads and a helmet walking   down the street. I asked him if he was going to play hockey, he said no, he was going shopping.

  89. A man swallows 2 fifty cents pieces, and sees a doctor years latter. Doctor, "Why didn’t you come  to see me before?" Man, I didn’t need the money until now.

  90. My wife’s cooking broke the dog's habit of begging at the table.

  91. Mummy, why don’t you ever take me to the zoo? "If they want you they will come and get you".

  92. My wife is hooked up to a machine that keeps her alive; a refrigerator.

  93. I called home and said to my wife, I’m exited thinking about the last time that we made love, and she said, "Who is this?"

  94. Eskimo hooker = A frosstitute.

  95. No respect, we would play hide and seek and nobody would come and look for me. (Rodney        Dangerfield).

  96. No respect, yesterday I went to a dog show and I won.

 

Part 2

  1. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s screwdriver?

  2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  4. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?

  5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

  7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

  9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

  11. Why are wise men and wise guy opposites?

  12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

  13. If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible.

  14. Why isn’t (11) pronounced onety one?

  15. "I Am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

  16. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

  17. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  18. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?

  19. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

  20. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

  21. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"